Fat and Proud
Sep 24th, 2008 by Moshe
People say I’m big-boned. Well, actually, people call me fat, but my mother told me it’s the big bones thing, and I apparently have these huge bones in the stomach region. Kids can be cruel sometimes – I spent many days in my childhood running away from mocking voices, shoving down another Hershey bar through the tears.
Sad days, truly.
When I was a teenager it was even harder: Momma told me that girls will love me for who I am, and one day I’ll find the right girl for me, and that real beauty is on the inside.
I knew all that, but I didn’t want a girl with an “internal” sort of beauty. I wanted the shallow babes! I tried endless diets, acupuncture, and even – gosh forbid – exercise. But I still couldn’t get a date, the only woman that knew I existed was my mother.
To make a long story short, I made a big pile of mula in stock trading and now it seems women just can’t get enough of me. I laughed off diets – who needs them, anyway? Like my mother used to say, real beauty is on the inside.
That is, until Illumistream opened my eyes to the revolutionary Atkins Diet. I mean, when you think about it, caveman do seemed very thin in today’s standards. I’d previously assumed it had to do with the day-to-day struggles with the Velociraptors and all the running and hunting, silly me.
I’m a veggie, so I’m gonna pass on the steak for nice n’ juicy tofu meal. Besides, I ain’t no fatty – I’m just big boned.
